maybe i'll live in a cardboard box..

recent events have left me wondering where i'm going to be living next year...

originally, i was going to be living in a house with e&b and probably one other person. that would have been great! and fun times would have been had. i was really looking forward to it! but then, for some reason still unbeknownst to me, that plan backfired. 

disappointment and confusion ensued.

but it was ok. not all was lost. i was invited to live with the b&k couple, along with two other hets. at first, i liked the idea. i mean, i was living off campus, in a house, with friends. great! but then i got to thinking. all these people were hets - heterosexual guys at that, except for brittany. she's not a guy. but at least two of these guys are quite homophobic from what i can tell, and the other one, i'm not so sure. 

i got to thinking of how much a dilemma this would cause for me, because, to my knowledge, none of these people know i'm gay. in addition, although i come off as a pretty "straight" guy (so i've been told) i have this stupid tendency to act even more straight when i'm around straight guys. i'm not completely sure why i do this, but i think it has something to do with my fear of rejection, the fear that if they knew i was gay they wouldn't want to be around me. this is a dilemma for me because i know that if i lived with these people for the whole year, i'd never get to be myself. i'd be acting "straight colin" as i've done many a time before.

i'd never get to be myself, and i know i'd end up feeling terribly oppressed (too strong a word? idk.) i debated in my head what would be the better thing to do: just suck it up and just live with these people, and hope that it wouldn't be so bad; or apply for Governor's Hall (single-room residence for upper years), which would involve running the risk of not even getting accepted. although i flipped back and forth, i think i eventually settled on sucking it up, and living with the hets.

but then, all of a sudden the other two hets got girlfriends! just, outta nowhurr. this would now mean that in addition to the brittany&kyle, the other two would be couples as well! ... and then colin. i thought, "oh, PERFECT!" i've already seen a couple of my friends go through being single whilst living in a house with a bunch of cute couples.     = SUXXORZ.

whatever. i was still prepared to just suck it up and hope for the best..

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OH! of course that wouldn't work out either! because brittany decided that she was going to apply for pharmacy school (after your second year of your B.Sc. you can apply to get into pharmacy, rather than doing your four full years of your B.Sc.)! now, i'm happy for her and everything - don't get me wrong. she seemed to be really interested in it, and i'm glad she finally found something she'd like to do. but this just means that my plans backfire yet AGAIN. because if she leaves, then kyle leaves with her, and then the whole plan falls apart, because there's no way i'd just live with the other two couples well - i hardly know them!

GAHHHHH!!!

i'm just a lil frustrated is all.    and panicking because i have no idea where i'm going to live next year. i'm just wishing things would work out in my favour, for once.

so i've decided that i'm just going to live in a cardboard box: cheap, reliable, and i don't have to worry about it ditching on me.

(but what if it blows away one stormy night?)

then i'm completely effed.

oh well. i have faith that things will fall into place. it would be NICE to have a roof over my head, but if not, then that just means less expenses on top of tuition! :D

♥C.